Good morning to you, readers of WordPress.
In today’s diary entry I wish to divulge you all with my current headspace and list out my new intentions. Although this has been my sober diary I have been doing some major mental gardening and since this is a positive side effect of my sobriety I must record it. Also typing it out might help me view my tangled thoughts in a more strategic layed out fashion.
Since losing my boozy crutch (alcohol) earlier this year, I have for the first time in my adult life, been left to my own devices when dealing with stress, anxiety and my ever rolling thoughts. Although my moods have been less sporadic as sobriety brings a more consistent peace in my life without hangovers, sleeplessness and anxiety, I have had to sit out my anger or stress without the lovely but costly numbing of grog.
I have started Therapy – one session so far. I am trying not to pass it off as ‘not for me’ because I did not have a good time. I understand the first session you must speak about your past to help your Phycologist get a general idea of where you are at mentally or what are the contributing factors to lead you to therapy. However I found it very disconcerting, as I felt like every aspect of my past she asked about I responded with a negative view, which I found myself trying to justify or pass it off with ‘But it wasn’t too bad’. It was almost like my first response was immediately the worst of it. I also felt exposed and judged, so very aware of how she was interpreting my answers, how she was analysing me. It felt as though she may as well respond with a ‘tut tut’.
An assessment on my own emotions thus far in sobriety is that oh man my mood can escalate. I am manic as fuck. I get down easily and when I do I feel this sombre gloom as if the world had a cold lense over it. I feel like I have a cape of sadness over me. After a few days slowly but surely I crawl out from it. Then I read an inspiring blog or book, get a mad scheme bubbling away in my mind and obsess over it. I buy multiple bottles of different supplements and draw up a grueling exercise schedule for a month. I bought smart scales. I bought new headphones to listen to self help books. I deleted all my social media accounts. And when my unrealistic goals inevitably are unachieved I crawl back under my sad cape.
Its text book I know.
At least I am aware of it I suppose. So here is my new Mantra.
CHILL THE FUCK OUT
This weeks obsession is The Laws of Attraction. My new scheme is trying to be positive all of the time, to not take life so seriously, to allow life to happen and trust in the universe.
I have decided to see my drinking years as a phase that is now over. It is done. And I forgive myself. And now I am ready to start again. I am tired of beating myself up about what I didn’t do or what I fucked up in my past. I was still angry at myself for fucking up as a teenager and never finishing school. Well now I am forgiving myself, I have realised that I can start again. This sediment is completely freeing. It is not over for me, it is just beginning. … I don’t need therapy right?? 😀
I am listening to the Audiobook of The Laws of Attraction – Jerry and Esther Hicks…Has anyone read this cause OMG I am trying to take it as educational for the purpose of all learning but it is hard to take seriously at times, don’t get me wrong the content is good, very interesting but for those who haven’t listened to the Audiobook, or are unfamiliar with it, Esther Hicks one of the authors channels ‘non-physical’ beings named Abraham. This Abraham whom refers to themselves as we – a group of non-physical beings, speak through her. Now Esther has a very well enunciated mid class American accent however when she channels Abraham, her voice accommodates a Russian/Eastern European/Slovakian accent which fluctuates and for me personally, and at first I found it hilarious and hard to take seriously. However I am still interested in what this Abraham has to say so I am persevering.
Next up on my search for personal gratitude and peace is Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now. So look out.
Drawing this log to a close, I will leave you with my daily affirmations, concocted by myself as of yesterday with full love, devotion and attention.
- I am at peace with who I am
- I trust myself to make the right decisions
- I am my true self
- My mind is full of brilliant ideas
- I trust that I am on the right path
- My drive and my ambition allow me to achieve my goals
- I give myself permission to do what is right by me
- I am extremely capable, resilient and intelligent
- I am loved and I love others
- I am extremely healthy and have high fitness and energy
- I am a success