The Return of My Magic

God I love this photograph. The literal description of this image is a still drunk from the night before dirty Australian backpacker sitting outside on the sunny morning streets of Edinburgh in some rotten old doorway, stockings ripped, bra just hanging off, smoke ablaze bummed from the no named stranger with the happy face whom also was lingering in the gutter. Unsubtle carton of orange juice cuddled up to its uncapped vodka bottle, a mix in your mouth sort of cocktail. Yesterdays makeup unapologetically smeared. I love it.

This weekend brought me into my 6 month of sobriety! Fucking WOOOO! I am absolutely stoked. I am smashing this goal and it pays fucking well! When this venture started, I had some serious discussion with myself regarding where I was verses where I wanted and needed to be. I decided to look at it as sort of an experiment on myself, I wanted to see what I could be like at my most productive state. The experiment is not conclusive yet, and if I am still kicking goals then it never will be as I am a firm believer in continuous improvement.

BOOM^^^ See that right there, my last statement, that type of positive shiat would not have been uttered from my lips this time 18months ago, and if it was, I would have been lingering some type of cynical disbelief. But now? Fuck yeah I believe it. I am completely invested in myself! And it feels good!! I finally give a shit about myself, in the way that we all as woman should!

It seems with the absence of the beer fog, the crystal clarity of my true mind is returning, and not with all my scary past and guilt as I always thought my sober mind would, no all that guilt stayed with its bestie the booze bottle and instead has left me with…hmm what is it called again? Oh that’s right, happiness.

The type of joy that you feel as a young child when you are running around barefoot at sunset, the evening’s crisp breeze igniting you with energy to sprint over the lawn. Or that deep warm cuddle feeling you get when you hear the birds chirping in the morning sun.

When I was a girl and heard one adult say to another ‘people grow up, and they don’t believe in nonsense like magic anymore’ I remember very clearly thinking ‘ I will never be that stupid, because I know and I believe in magic. I simply refuse to be that type of boring dumb adult!’. This most treasured revolution was lost to me, for so many years, but at some moment in this past 6 months, when I was sitting being mindful and smiling happily to myself, my heart sprang open as I remembered this and I leaped for joy as I realised that my magic had returned to me.

This brings a fierce confidence, and a piece of mind that I know I am finally at peace and where I should be. And after so many years of lingering in pain, repeating the same self sabotaging cycle over and over again I can tell you I am damn proud of myself.

This is not to say that to get here has been easy or to stay afloat will be easy, god knows I have had many a heavy thunk from grace before… I have even made 6 months of sobriety once before, with the help of a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. And following that was a spectacular fall from the wagon let me assure you.

But something inside me is different this time, I have truly accepted that my drinking chapter is over and I have entered a new state of being. And this has only been possible as I have learnt that it is me and only me who is responsible for the life I am living. It is me who chooses what does and what does not effect me. And it is tough, each day to try to steer yourself to be in control but each day I grow stronger.

I can also put this great state of accomplishment down to learning. My biggest assistance has been knowledge. I have realised that it only takes a bit of new information, even one paragraph to influence me in drastic ways. Therefore I am in hot pursuit of all the information I can find regarding how to better myself and control my life. I can also confirm that I believe in the Laws of Attraction, at the very least, it keeps me focused on being positive, and the very best, it makes me take action and steps towards the goals I want to achieve by thinking about how I will get there constantly.

Mate, I am on fire.

Also, I got my drivers licence back after 5 long years of disqualification – yes you guessed it, from not my 1st but my 2nd HIGH range DUI.

The return of my independence is doing wonders for my mental state but also seeing the long awaited end to that lesson brings a relief I cannot even explain. After all said and done though, I am actually extremely grateful it happened. That is the honest truth. But also fucking glad its over.

I sign off now, sending love and strength to all who find themselves on a similar journey, you got this, you really do, you just got to give yourself your magic back. xxx

My Affirmations

Good morning to you, readers of WordPress.

In today’s diary entry I wish to divulge you all with my current headspace and list out my new intentions. Although this has been my sober diary I have been doing some major mental gardening and since this is a positive side effect of my sobriety I must record it. Also typing it out might help me view my tangled thoughts in a more strategic layed out fashion.

Since losing my boozy crutch (alcohol) earlier this year, I have for the first time in my adult life, been left to my own devices when dealing with stress, anxiety and my ever rolling thoughts. Although my moods have been less sporadic as sobriety brings a more consistent peace in my life without hangovers, sleeplessness and anxiety, I have had to sit out my anger or stress without the lovely but costly numbing of grog.

I have started Therapy – one session so far. I am trying not to pass it off as ‘not for me’ because I did not have a good time. I understand the first session you must speak about your past to help your Phycologist get a general idea of where you are at mentally or what are the contributing factors to lead you to therapy. However I found it very disconcerting, as I felt like every aspect of my past she asked about I responded with a negative view, which I found myself trying to justify or pass it off with ‘But it wasn’t too bad’. It was almost like my first response was immediately the worst of it. I also felt exposed and judged, so very aware of how she was interpreting my answers, how she was analysing me. It felt as though she may as well respond with a ‘tut tut’.

An assessment on my own emotions thus far in sobriety is that oh man my mood can escalate. I am manic as fuck. I get down easily and when I do I feel this sombre gloom as if the world had a cold lense over it. I feel like I have a cape of sadness over me. After a few days slowly but surely I crawl out from it. Then I read an inspiring blog or book, get a mad scheme bubbling away in my mind and obsess over it. I buy multiple bottles of different supplements and draw up a grueling exercise schedule for a month. I bought smart scales. I bought new headphones to listen to self help books. I deleted all my social media accounts. And when my unrealistic goals inevitably are unachieved I crawl back under my sad cape.

Its text book I know.

At least I am aware of it I suppose. So here is my new Mantra.

CHILL THE FUCK OUT

This weeks obsession is The Laws of Attraction. My new scheme is trying to be positive all of the time, to not take life so seriously, to allow life to happen and trust in the universe.

I have decided to see my drinking years as a phase that is now over. It is done. And I forgive myself. And now I am ready to start again. I am tired of beating myself up about what I didn’t do or what I fucked up in my past. I was still angry at myself for fucking up as a teenager and never finishing school. Well now I am forgiving myself, I have realised that I can start again. This sediment is completely freeing. It is not over for me, it is just beginning. … I don’t need therapy right?? 😀

I am listening to the Audiobook of The Laws of Attraction – Jerry and Esther Hicks…Has anyone read this cause OMG I am trying to take it as educational for the purpose of all learning but it is hard to take seriously at times, don’t get me wrong the content is good, very interesting but for those who haven’t listened to the Audiobook, or are unfamiliar with it, Esther Hicks one of the authors channels ‘non-physical’ beings named Abraham. This Abraham whom refers to themselves as we – a group of non-physical beings, speak through her. Now Esther has a very well enunciated mid class American accent however when she channels Abraham, her voice accommodates a Russian/Eastern European/Slovakian accent which fluctuates and for me personally, and at first I found it hilarious and hard to take seriously. However I am still interested in what this Abraham has to say so I am persevering.

Next up on my search for personal gratitude and peace is Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now. So look out.

Drawing this log to a close, I will leave you with my daily affirmations, concocted by myself as of yesterday with full love, devotion and attention.

• I am at peace with who I am
• I trust myself to make the right decisions
• I am my true self
• My mind is full of brilliant ideas
• I trust that I am on the right path
• My drive and my ambition allow me to achieve my goals
• I give myself permission to do what is right by me
• I am extremely capable, resilient and intelligent
• I am loved and I love others
• I am extremely healthy and have high fitness and energy
• I am a success